Self-Compassion in Practice

Self-Compassion is not just an idea, some feel-good but insubstantial notion that doesn’t really change anything. It is a highly pragmatic game-changer, a sort of swiss army knife for personal wellbeing.

Kristin Neff is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research and she created a scale to measure self-compassion almost 20 years ago. Her research, along with that of her peers, has shown that people that practice self-compassion are less likely to be depressed, anxious, or stressed, they have greater resilience and all-round better mental health.

Science explains why this is the case. Self-compassion is real, and actually manifests in our bodies. When we soothe our own pain, we are tapping into the mammalian caregiving system. And one important way this caregiving system works is by triggering the release of oxytocin. Research indicates that increased levels of Oxytocin increases feelings of trust, safety, connectedness and helps us to also feel warmth and compassion for ourselves.

Choosing to relate to ourselves with kindness rather than contempt is highly pragmatic. We don’t have a lot of control over our individual characteristics—our inborn personality, our body shape, our health, the good or bad fortune of our circumstances. If, however, we can be kind to ourselves when confronting our human limitations, we can suffer a lot less as a result.

Neff defines self-compassion as being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.

Not surprisingly, major life transitions such as repatriation or career changes are a time when we can feel in the thick of these challenging feelings and when we need self-compassion the most.

Self-Compassion is made up of 3 elements

Here is how Neff describes them. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it.

Self-Compassion in Practice: The following “Self-Compassion Break” taps into these three elements of Self-Compassion

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind and sense the stress and emotional discomfort in your body. Tip: put your hand on your heart to anchor the sense of being present for yourself

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering

That’s mindfulness. You could also say:

This hurts.

Ouch.

This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life

That’s common humanity. You could also say:

Other people feel this way.

I’m not alone.

We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

3. May I be kind to myself

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

May I give myself the compassion that I need

May I learn to accept myself as I am

May I forgive myself

May I be strong.

May I be patient

This is just one of many simple self-compassion exercises and meditations on Kristin Neff’s website, you can find more here.

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Verity Mace is an Ignite coach who is passionate about making personal growth during transition accessible and fun.

If now is the time to talk with an expert like Verity, explore Ignite's individual support subscription options or ask your employer to consider employee subscriptions for your workplace.

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