Self-confidence is a tricky thing that most of us, at some point in our lives, will struggle with.
It could be that we are worrying about what others might think of us, or that we aren’t doing well mentally and aren’t as resilient. For many people, a lack of confidence can stem from feeling that how they look on the outside is not aligned to how to they are feeling on the inside.
I do a lot of work with people who identify as part of the transgender community, and work with people at all different ages and stages of their transition into living as their authentic self. When someone starts to transition, there are many different pieces of their personal puzzle to put together, to align how they feel internally with how they want to look on the outside. During this time, it is quite common to feel self-conscious or lack confidence as their appearance and their daily life begins to change.
Too often, I have witnessed wonderful people getting stuck or feeling confused because they have only tackled one part of the challenge. When transforming the physical aspect, you can’t forget to focus on the deeper, hidden aspect inside: self-love. This means learning to fully embrace all aspects of yourself and who you really are, including all your quirks and human flaws. We all have them!
One of the challenges people who are transitioning may face with their outer self-confidence is working out their personal style. Everyone is on a different journey in finding out what they like and don’t like, and how they feel most comfortable with themselves.
Many people have to relearn how to dress for their body shape, create their personal style, find go-to-pieces of clothing or work out how to style their hair in ways to accommodate their changing looks. Having a personal style that you love can be a huge confidence boost. With tools like YouTube and Pinterest, you can learn how to do different makeup looks, hairstyles, build outfit combinations and work out the things that you like. The options are endless.
A technique I like to use with clients to boost their inner confidence is building a wellbeing bank account. Working together, we develop a set of practical tools that they can withdraw from their account when needed.
A useful tool anyone can learn and add to their wellbeing bank account is practising gratitude each day and being thankful for everything in your life. As a starting point, find something you are grateful for every day, even if it is small. It could be that you express gratitude for having a good sleep, getting out for some exercise, or eating something good for your body. Set yourself realistic steps that you can do each day and build on these as time goes by. You can think of it as building yourself a solid foundation, and over time you add to it to create a structure of wellbeing around yourself. Researchers have found that if you spend more time being grateful, it helps to reduce levels of stress and depression and increase happiness.
Specifically, one study on the benefits of gratitude meditation (O’Leary & Dockray, 2015) found that practicing four times a week for three weeks (along with keeping a gratitude diary) led to reduced levels of stress and depression, as well as increased levels of happiness.
The reality is that we are not going to feel bouncy and bubbly 100% of the time. We are all human so we will all experience things like anxiety and issues with our confidence and self-esteem. But, when we feel ourselves dipping below the line and starting to feel fear or doubt, it is important that we have the tools to pull ourselves back above the line.
It only takes one ignorant person to make a comment that can throw us off, especially if you are already feeling low. This is where having a wellbeing bank account gives you somewhere to go to give yourself a boost of confidence. It’s like calling the elephant into the room. You might smile at the person who gave you a look that didn’t feel welcoming, or say hi and start a conversation with somebody. Of course, not everyone is going to be receptive, but it’s about owning who you are, building the confidence to show that to the world, and being able to bounce back from confronting situations. If you feel content, you can deal with more.
Remember, when you start something new, it takes time. It is something you need to practise to integrate it into your life. It’s a lot like walking. When you first started learning how to walk, it took time to learn how to do it. Stand up like an exclamation mark, not a question mark. Own who you are, we are all beautiful beings.
Helena McIntyre is an Ignite Coach who specialises in empowering people to look good and feel great.
She is highly respected and skilled at working with transgender clients at any stage of their journey, as well as people from all walks of life. If you would like to book a one-on-one session with Helena, explore the individual support subscription options for Ignite or ask your employer to consider employee subscriptions for your workplace.
Contact hello@ignite.org.nz to find out more.